Eurovision Review: First Semi Final 10.05.11

Okay so it’s that time again, Eurovision is upon us and here’s my review of the first semi final held in Düsseldorf yesterday. For those new to my reviews, please note they are meant to be just a bit of fun and not a deliberately negative attack on acts, and remember these are my opinions..

A bit of background for you all, the Eurovision Song Contest derived from the Italian, San Remo Music Festival and has evolved ever since into the contest we either love or loathe. Now some people say the British don’t take the contest seriously, but think about it, which nation really does take it seriously? Well maybe Ireland do – they love to win it. This year, after an absence of 14 years, Italy are back. Let’s hope they don’t throw a strop like back in 1997 when they weren’t happy with the points they received and so withdrew from the contest. A case of throwing their pasta out of the pram.

On May 10 2011, there were 10 places up for grabs and 19 countries performed to gain votes from the viewing public to secure their place.So with Italy, Great Britain, Germany, France and Spain being automatic finalists in the competition* who else is competing this year? *Automatic means they’ve thrown enough money at it to secure a place. The German comperes for the evening were a pretty, blonde TV presenter, a tubby bloke and a man bashing female comedian with terrible dress sense, however the show isn’t about them it’s the acts that matter:

Poland – Sadly this lukewarm offering never really takes off, the singer Magdalena Tul, clothed in a dress that looks like it’s got milk bottle tops stuck to it, has a very weak delivery and throughout the performance is swamped by her stilted backing dancers. The song, entitled ‘I Am’ really has poor structure, but makes me wonder if the lyrics when translated read – ‘I am in England not Poland as I can get benefits here’. No doubt England’s burgeoning Polish communities will use their pay as you go, T-mobiles to call in and vote.

Norway – Here we have the first of the pointless lyric songs, called ‘Haba Haba’ this is a surprise. Since when has Norway been part of Africa? The song has a backdrop of African rhythms and Swahili language mixed with odd English phrases. Forgive me if I’m wrong but isn’t Norway over 6,000 miles from Africa? Sadly the song has very little substance.

Albania – Sang by a woman that looks like she could be Lady Gaga’s mother, she belts out ‘Let Me Share My Song With You’ - quite frankly scary lady with the long silver nails I’d rather you didn’t. This is another disappointing song with no real verse/chorus structure. But I guess L’Oreal will use her to plug their red tones hair dye in the future.

Armenia – At last we get a Euro-pop song. ‘Boom Boom’ sung by popular Armenian recording artist Emmy, with three albums already under her belt, is an infectious tune. Starting off with her sat in a giant boxing glove, the intro has a slight Plan B, ‘She Said’ undertone to it, however it is the first song to have a distinct verse, chorus and middle eight. Pity the male dancers looked out of place dressed in black jeans, white T-shirts and bow ties, they’d have looked better in shorts and boxing gloves to keep with the theme.

Turkey - Last year’s runners up once again deliver a rock song, the ageing rockers that wouldn’t look out of place in a ‘Can Your Dad Be A Rock Star Competition’ are not particularly good. The singer really needs to take a look in the mirror, it’s never a good idea if you have a paunch to wear spandex. Lyrically the song sounds like it was written by an 11 year old in a year 7 poetry competition. And why they have a contortionist trapped within a spherical cage is beyond me. Sadly this offering is more mock than rock.

Serbia – Bubbly blonde Nina bounces onto the stage with Čaroban, the song reminds me of something but I am unable to pinpoint what. Dressed with a 60’s theme the stage really does at last light up. This is what the competition is all about, fun, fun and more fun. To be perfectly honest Nina has enough personality to front this one out herself without the need of the three badly co-ordinated backing singers. The first real contender of the evening.

Russia – ‘Get You’ the Russian entry was written by top record producer, RedOne and if you close your eyes you can almost hear a snippet of Lady Gaga in the background. Sung by Russian X Factor winner Alexej Vorobjov, the square jawed twenty something gyrates with gusto and even cheekily winks directly into the camera, a ploy to win the female vote I assume. Sadly, however the below par performance of the three backing dancers makes the whole thing look like a drama student showcase in Doncaster not a polished performance in Düsseldorf, not so much, get you as, get gone.

Switzerland – Oh my goodness, what a load of tosh this offering is. It starts very twee with a man plucking a ukulele, then a double bass kicks in and the singer Anna Rossinelli, warbles away until we get more lazy lyrics, no words just a chorus of ‘Na Na Na – bloody Na’. Looking a little like Eliza Doolittle wears posh Primark this song just plods along, personally I’d have called it ‘Dobbin’s Song’. The only amusing thing is at times the tune sounds a little like a Lily Allen track, and every now and then I expect the recently retired songstress to pop up and sing, ‘Fuck You, fuck you very, very much’.

Georgia – Eldrine give us ‘One More Day’ another rock song, however the band seem to have a genre identity crisis. The female vocalist, unhindered by what looks like a cushion stitched to the front of her dress delivers a sterling performance, a little pop versus rock-chic, then we get some geezer; also with a bit of a cushion sewn onto him, doing a bit of rap until we get an ageing rocker belting out a few syllables. Despite the fact that it’s a bit of a mixed up merger of Girls Aloud, Linkin Park and Fabri Fibra I quite like this one – However sack the costume department, I’m guessing Dunelm had a sale on.

Finland – The 2006 winners give us Paradise Oskar, a boy who looks like he’s not yet left school. He gives us a banal song about a boy named Peter who is going to save the world because government’s don’t care – Oh give it a rest. A storytelling song, that wouldn’t be out of place as a B-side to Rolf Harris’ hit, ‘Two Little Boys’. However Harris’ actually told us what happens from beginning to end. This absurd morality song omits to tell us what ‘Peter’ wants or will do, an example of the lyrics to prove my point:

“If they don't help I'll do it by myself. I don't wanna be Da da dam, da da dam da da da da da da da.”

A close up of Paradise Oskar, shows us clearly where he had his monobrow waxed before the show, for me the highlight of this performance.

Malta – Glen Vella gives us the gayest offering of the night with ‘One Life,’ which comes complete with the lyric ‘I am what I am.’ However this gay-anthem lacks real guts, something that cannot be said about his 2 dumpy backing dancers, dressed in lycra their routine is a manic presentation of posturing and posing. I have to say, Glen has such a wide mouth he’d be sure to beat the world record for fitting a Cornish pasty into the mouth sideways. This is yet another failure for Malta, I’m afraid – well actually, I’m very afraid, deport those demented dancers at once.

San Marino – At just 24 square miles, it’s one of the smallest countries in the world, hailing from middle Italy, this is the second appearance by the republic in the competition. They allegedly weren’t happy with the way the voting went on their first shot at the prize, back in 2007 so stayed away. However what have they sent to Germany this year? In answer, nothing more than a Jane Macdonald sound-a-like dressed in tin foil with two enormous dustbin lids acting as a brassiere. Instantly forgettable song. What was it called – I can’t remember?

Croatia – Singing a song originally called ‘Mild Wind’ then ‘Break A Leg’ before becoming ‘Celebrate’ Daria treats us to some magic, or rather she sings whilst the creepy looking guy, who looks like an American high school student about to massacre his classmates, strokes her arm creepily, and her dress changes from a black and gold creation to a pink one. Daria towers above her three backing singers and strides around the stage like a giantess, before creepy bloke points at the audience and the short pink frock changes with a flash into a long silver one. Thankfully the dress magic distracted from the dull monotonous song. Daria will be back behind a checkout in Baška Voda quicker than you can say nula bodova.

Iceland - My, my didn’t Moss Bros do well the day these five walked past. Singing a song called ‘Coming Home’ all I can say is why? This group of men that all sound alike, apart from the James Corden lookalike in the middle, (Scott Mills also saw the comparison) are as entertaining as road kill. The song is a piece of over sentimental tosh, however due to the plug about the songwriter dying and his friends taking over, I guess this one will grab the sympathy vote. Pity there was no volcanic ash cloud to keep them at home.

Hungary – Tipped as the favourite, Kati Wolf looks like Mandy off Hollyoaks’ mum. Singing ‘What About My Dreams?’ she’s dressed in what looks like a hastily torn down blue curtain and sports a ring the size of San Marino. The Hungarian X factor finalist does a good job of belting out the song, sadly though this generic piece of dance music wouldn’t look out of place on stage at the local conservative club – Oh well at least the blue curtain will go down well there.

Portugal - Homens Da Luta is a 5 piece, placard waving, megaphone hailing combo, that look like they’re campaigning about the lack of stock in their local charity shop. A pointless piece of drivel about the economic state of their country. Not a chance.

Lithuania – The song is called, C’est Ma Vie’ an French title but English lyrics with a little sign language thrown in for good measure. A dated repetitive piece that would not have looked out of place on an episode of New Faces 1979. The singer Evelina Sašenko is pretty enough to grace the screens of Europe, but quite frankly throughout the performance looks as bored singing along to the plinky plonky piano, as I am watching her.

Azerbaijan – Performed by Ell/Nikki, this boy (Ell) Girl (Nikki) combo have in my opinion the best song of the night. ‘Running Scared’ is a proper piece of pop that has a feel of the successful band Hurts about it. This well crafted song is by far the most polished of the evening, although the performance is a little stiff, Ell doesn’t look like a natural mover. There will need to be something quite brilliant to keep this one out of the top five in the final. A sure certainty to get through this evening.

Greece – The Greeks can always be relied upon to deliver a good tune and this year is no different> In My opinion, the coupling of bland rapper Stereo Mike with hunky Loucas Yiorkas may put a few people off. Loucas; singing in Greek as opposed to Stereo Mike’s English, is strong enough to carry a song on his own. The tall Greek throws his voice out across the audience, and is even at times engaging in a little traditional dancing. Despite this mix of trad/rap it works and I can see the entry from Greece getting through to the final. Although the government will have their fingers crossed they don’t win, after staging the 2006 competition nearly bankrupted the country.

So my top three for the first semi finals are:

1. Serbia. 2. Azerbaijan. 3. Greece.

The ten countries that got through were: Serbia, Lithuania, Greece, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Switzerland, Hungary, Finland, Russia and Iceland.

St. Paul McCartney and the Man from Sasi

Monday 18 April 2011 – At 06.00 the day looks like it will be a nice one, Lulu sings ‘To Sir With Love’ as I make my way through a bowl of cereal. Thimble and Scratch come over and get a slice of pork each for breakfast.

We take our friends Rozz and Spike into Lanciano for a look around. We are coming out of the Church of the Eucharist Miracle, when I spot a poster of a saint on the wall, and surprisingly the saint, who is nameless is the spit of Sir Paul McCartney. Hence a photo opportunity not to be missed.

We spend the afternoon back at Archi, the sunshine is warming Via Costello, and our friendly and, greedy kittens are here on the scrounge. The iPod shuffles and the unfortunately named ‘Evil Dildo’ by Placebo plays. I have a go at making my first ever pizza, being in Italy i hope to get some inspiration. I load it with garlic, onions, tomato, speck, courgette and mozzarella. The proof of the pudding is in the tasting as they say.

Before

After

We watch a few more episodes of ‘Soldier Soldier’ in readiness for donating the video box sets to the Abruzzolutely get together I helped to organise. People will bring along books, videos, DVDs etc. to swap with others over here. Bedtime comes and I try the orange flavoured toothpaste I got today. It’s weird but not unpleasant.

Tuesday 19 April 2011 – Pendulum play ‘Tarantula’ as I have some toast and jam for my breakfast. The sun is high and the mist over Archi has already burnt off. We drive over to our place, and I set to stripping branches and sorting wood into kindling, sticks and logs. It’s quite an art the Italian way of stacking sticks and logs ready for winter. Every house here has a perfectly stacked square of wood outside, and my attempt is as linear as a dogs hind leg. I make plans in my head for the wood store I shall eventually build outside the front of the house, as the iPod shuffles and Steps. – Yes Steps burst out into the Italian sunshine with their cover of Kylie’s ‘Better The Devil You Know’. (You can’t beat a bit of Steps to lift the mood, although on a day like this, little needs lifting, apart from the logs.)

Lunchtime arrives and I cook pasta and pesto on our little portable stove, it’s the first cooked meal I prepare in our kitchen, or rather the shell that will become our kitchen. Jessie J sings ‘Casualty Of Love’ from her brilliant debut album, Who You Are.

After lunch I turn my hand to some building work, I rebuild a broken piece of our patio, and cement the bricks in place, and find I’m not to bad at it. Although I do think I approach it in a similar way to approaching a painting, maybe I’m too delicate with it, and need to butch up a bit.

Dinner is veal cutlets, (there’s a meat to divide opinion) with potato and veg. Before I begin to prepare the meal I ask, “Is it too early at 17.20 for prosecco?”  The reply is, “It’s never too early for prosecco.” The cork pops, Thimble and Scratch drop in for something to eat; for feral kittens, they are quite brave, and will come up close enough for you to almost touch them. Thimble is braver, she will sniff at your hand, whereas Scratch come close, then turns tail and shoots off in a blur.

Wednesday 20 April 2011 -  I eat breakfast as Regina Spektor sings ‘Machine’, the kittens have already visited for theirs and have now gone off in search of another soft touch. I go through the photos on my phone: How normal does that phrase sound nowadays? I snigger at a sign I snapped in Lanciano, surely all the touchy feely family fondling is frowned upon?

With my mate Roy, we have organised a lunch party for over 50 people, and the event goes very well. I sit with friends and enjoy a leisurely meal. We start as usual with anti pasti, salami and ham, cheese and small bowls of assorted goodies are brought to the table; the chopped chicory in garlic butter is particularly good. The pasta course follows, I like the ravioli, but I’m not keen on the shape or texture of guitara pasta. The meat course is chicken and pork with olive oil roasted potatoes. Bottles of wine appear, and get emptied into glasses throughout the meal, and when the sweet arrives another bottle of chilled rosé appears on our table. The day seems to have gone well, with old friends meeting new ones, the one thing we all have in common is, whether we’re English, Dutch, Singaporean or Australian, we are all lovers of the area and have homes here. I leave with a lovely bottle of wine, a gift from my friend Jenn.

Thursday 21 April 2001 – Only in rural Italy would you see what I saw today. I called into our local supermarket, and was met by the sight of an elderly gentleman walking home with his shopping, in a wheelbarrow, pure genius.

Driving back to Archi I stop to take a photograph of a sign that always makes me smile. It promises a night out like you’ve never had before, although I can’t see it being the sort of thing a hen party would go for.

Driving up the steep track to Archi, we come around a bend to see another black snake, it’s lying on the road soaking up the late sunshine. As it senses the vibrations from the car, it slithers at speed into the fields,to safety.

Friday 22 April 2011 – The early morning mountain mist has been quickly burnt off by the sun and the promise of a good day beckons. I eat breakfast as Justin Timberlake sings ‘(Oh No) What You Got?’ and Thimble mews in the doorway.

We take a drive, not going anywhere just pointing the car and going. After driving through some tunnels hewn into the mountains we come across Villa St Maria, a pretty town stacked almost vertically against the mountain. From a distance you wonder how it defies gravity and stays there. You’d think that once you’d seen one of these ancient villages, you’ve seen them all. This can be said for most, one piazza surrounded by ochre coloured houses, is pretty much the same as another, however, every now and then you come across one that stands out and takes your breath away.

We take drive in the opposite direction, and once again we see a long black grass snake, soaking the warmth up out of the road. As it disappears I turn on the radio, Kelly Rowland is singing ‘When Love Takes Over’, and as a blue X registered Berlingo, with a dented side door sails along the SS16, I sing along, loudly and possibly out of key.

With restrain we park at S. Vito, a tiny little seaside town that’s very popular with the Italians, in summer it’s a haven for poseurs, ripped and toned Italian men rub shoulders with their over-stuffed counterparts posturing in Speedos – It’s a sight not for the faint hearted. After a walk around, I spot some graffiti under a bridge that merits a stop to photograph it, before radio blaring, we drive to the pebble beach at Fossacessia.

We get back to our place as a man from Sasi the water company turns up to show us how to turn on the water, (stupid Englishmen). Since September we have been telling them we have no water at the house and they been telling us we have, all we have to do is turn the stop-cock on. Despite telling them we’ve tried this eventually they have sent out a man. His bald head shines in the afternoon sunshine, as he strides towards us, wrench in hand. In the kitchen Diana Ross and the Supremes sing ‘Reflections’; I’m sure if I stood close enough to Sasi-man I’d be able to see my reflection in his head.

He kneels down at the water meter, turns the stop-cock, looks at me with pride and asks me to try the taps. I’ve already done this before, but go through the motions again. No water appears and he scratches his head. We take him to the grid in the road, where we assume there’s another stop-cock. He uses a special key to open the grid, turns another handle and we go through the tap turning on ritual again, surprise, no water. Puzzled he goes back to the main tap and unscrews it, no water, “Niente,” he exclaims in disbelief, then just to make sure he hits the pipes with his wrench, as if summoning the water to flow. Beads of sweat now glisten upon his shiny dome, he takes out his phone and gives the person on the other end of the line, our address, then says, “Niente, engineer, engineer, English”. Then without a nod he strides away and clambers into his white van and disappears down the lane. Maybe now they’ll believe us?

We lock up and leave. As we travel down the lane I stop and look back. Now that the last of the trees have been cleared, (thanks to Spike) our house can now be seen from the road, At the moment its a big grey block, but when it’s been rendered and painted it should look better.

Friday 23 April 2011 – Today is the latest I’ve risen, It’s 09.00 and I’m having a cuppa as Marilyn Manson sings (yells), ‘Born Again’; not a particularly cheery morning song, but when you live a life on shuffle you have to take each track as it comes. It’s another sunny day, so after breakfast we decide to spend it chilling out.

We drive the 18 minutes it takes to go from our place to the coast. We follow the coast road to Le Morge beach, the sandy beach has a few families on it enjoying the early good weather. An English family is on the beach and within earshot. A little girl calls over  to her mother and says, “Mummy, I don’t like my ice cream.” Mother replies saying, “You’d better get to like it. Mummy doesn’t have any money left, so can’t buy you another one.” What a liar, ten minutes later we see mummy sat in the bar drinking beer as little girl plays on the sand.

We then move down to Casalbordino, with it’s endless sandy beach, that stretches further than the eye can see. We backtrack and drop in to see the shabby little beach at Torino di Sangro. This is a beach area that’s pretty much made up of campsites and campervans. But has some good music festivals in the summer, I’m told.

I’m walking along and say the following: “I really must lose a little weight, do you fancy an ice cream?” I pop into a bar and buy what I think is a Magnum, but turns out to be a lolly cum choc-ice cum wafer. The lolly bit was nice but the wafer bit was horrid. Note to self: Check what you’re buying in future.

Next on our visit of the coast is the pebble beach at Fossacesia, further up the beach is a small sandy section. We make our way to it, I’m videoing the walk, when we come over the brow and bump into two men in the process of stripping off. “Salve,” says man 1 stood in just his underpants, “Buono sera.” Man two says, as he drops his jeans to the floor, revealing his cream coloured underpants. Now before you think we’ve come to a nudist beach, the guys were getting into scuba diving gear. Further on up the deserted beach we come across another man in his pants. He’s lying on his back and listening to music, beside him is his white shirt, black trousers and tie. I guess he just needs a few minutes to himself after work.

The day ends with another encounter with a beautiful black snake, this one is hiding away from us in the pile of rubble from our demolished outhouse. Back at Archi, the cork pops and a glass of prosecco is poured. I feed Thimble and Scratch as Elbow play ‘One Day Like This’. It’s hard to think that tomorrow we leave Abruzzo once more for the UK.

Since we’ve been here my iPod has shuffled a total of 729 songs, which is 24.3 hours of music.