Thursday 20 December 2012 - You know you’ve reached the depths of despair when you’d be willing to give a trampy old bloke oral sex, just for a mouthful of White Lightning cider.
I make no apologies for today’s lewd opening, as I was shocked, nay flabbergasted when I had the following experience.
I was walking through the edge of town, on the periphery where the populace tends to be at its lowest ebb and the niceties of social intercourse are neglected. Where grass gives way to dog shit and shop-fronts have bars. I was walking along, iPod turned off and hidden in pocket. Well you can’t be too careful here, I feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend, furtively scouring the shadows for trouble, the only trouble is I don’t have a German Shepherd. (Which reminds me of a Dave Spikey joke)
Every morning this week when I’ve got up there’s been a German shepherd having a shit on my front lawn. Today the dirty bastard brought his dog.
But I digress. I was walking past a derelict bus shelter where there was four dishevelled men sitting, all of varying ages but the ravages of alcohol had given them all a wizened look. Two men drank from cans and an older man was drinking from a bottle of cheap white cider, when the younger of the group asked him for a swig. The conversation went something like this:
Man 1:Give us a swig.
Man 2: Fuck off.
Man 1: Come on you mean bastard.
Man 2: Fuck off
Man 1: I’d give you some if I had a bottle.
Man 2: If you want some, suck my cock.
Man 1: Fuck off.
Man 2: Then you can’t have any.
Man 3: You’re not going to make him do that again are you?
Man 2: If he wants a drink he’s got to earn it.
I scuttled away for fear of seeing the desperate man earn his mouthful (no pun intended) of cheap cider.
On a lighter note, it looks like the Mayan’s got it wrong, 11.00 am passed without the annihilation of the world. I did wait before posting today’s piece, as I didn’t want you all to go into oblivion with the thought of a trampy old bloke getting oral relief bouncing around inside your head.